Words of Wisdom by Lorenz de Tigre (Greatest Hits Compilation 2012)

Pangit man ako sa iyong paningin, Bakit sabi ng GIRLFRIEND mo LORENZ PATIKIM. 

Condolence nga pala sa Girlfriend mo, Patay na patay sakin e.

ANG RELASYON AY PARANG SUSO, PANGET PAG TATLO.

Ako yung Lalaking sasayawan ka ng GANGNAM STYLE. Ako rin ung Lalaking papasarapin ka sa GAPANG STYLE.

AANHIN KO ANG SUSPENSION NG KLASE AT SARAP NG PANAHON KUNG WALA NAMANG KA-SEX.

MAY PICTURE YUNG BABAE NA HANGANG HANGA SA SARILE PERO HINDI NAMAN TALAGA MAGANDA, TAPOS MAG CO-COMMENT YUNG MGA KAMAG ANAK NA ANG GANDA GANDA DAW. RETARDED AMPUTA.

NAPAKA YABANG AKALA MO KUNG SINONG NAPAKA GANDA
MUKHA NAMANG LALAKE.

WALANG PASOK.
BASA ANG PANTY NI MA'AM.

Simple lang naman ang gusto ko, mahalin mo ako kung ano ako. Hindi yung napilitan ka lang dahil Yummy ako :'(

LORENZ NGA SA UMAGA,
DE TIGRE NAMAN SA KAMA ♥

ANG GRADES KO AY BAGAY SA UNDAS,
PURO PALAKOL NI SATANAS.

BLACK FORREST ANG DATINGAN,
INDAY MAG SHAVE KA NAMAN.

ASSUMING NA MAY HATERS.
TANGA WALA KANG HATERS AMPANGET LANG TALAGA NG MUKHA MO ♥

TOTOY MAN AKO SAYONG PANINGIN,
KAYANG KAYA PADIN KITANG BUNTISIN. ♥

LARUIN MO NA ITLOG KO,
WAG LANG 'TONG PUSO KO. ♥

THAT SHOULD BE ME,
HOLDING YOUR BOOBS :'(

NI-LIKE KO ANG PICTURE MO
DAHIL KITA KO ANG CLEAVAGE MO.

Maganda ka sana kung
hindi ka naging Panget.

***

About the Author:

Wala 
akong 
masabi!
Haha.

Ang Maprinsipyong Pamilya Episode 5

Isang araw, umalis si Kuya para pumasok sa trabaho. Late na sya natulog kasi tinatapos nya yung project nya sa company nila. Mga 3 AM na sya nakatulog. Tapos ang pasok sya ay 7 AM.

Kaya ito na, nag trisikel sya papunta sa terminal ng jeep, tapos sumakay sya papuntang SM North using jeepney. On his way, nakatulog sya kasi nga diba pagod sya.

Maya maya nagising sya malapit na pala yung SM North. Kaya naman nagdesisyon na sya na magbayad sa driver. Sabi niya sa driver:

Kuya: Manong, bayad po galing terminal sa SM North lang.
Manong: Ilan to?
Kuya: Isa lang.

Malapit na dumating sa ababan si kuya kaya naman hiningi na nya yung sukli nya.

Kuya: Manong sukli ko po bababa na ako!
Manong: Sandali lang, bay!

Biglang may umepal na matandang kupal na putang ina na hayup na ulol na gago na ungas na puta puto hayup gagu kulapo, sabi nya kay Kuya,

"Sa susunod na sumakay ka, malayo pa lang magbayad ka na para hindi ka nakakaistorbo!"

Sabi tuloy ni Kuya: You don't fucking care!

At dahil hindi marunong mag-english yung kupal na yun nanahimik na lang sya gagu kasi epal pa.

Manong: Ito na bay!

Kuya: Don't call me BAY i'm not bisexual nor that I came from Cebu!
Manong: A ganun ba? Sige BAY!
Kuya: Sige BAY puta ka! I'm outta here!

Mahirap Talaga Ang SPPPELLLING

Spell "pakejds"? Single C ba yun? Parang double C yata...

Eh spell "okeysyon"? Double C ba 'yun? TATLONG C NALANG PARA SURE =))

Google Colonial Mentality?

Google Toolbar is NOT for Google Chrome. Strange!

Ano daw Jolibee???

MAG-INGAT KA JOLIBEE BAKA KUNG ANO ANG MANGYARI SA IYO EH...

Translate Fail =))

666ft is 203m

Friend, is this some kind of "coincidence"? Like the 666 chenes? Hahaahah D as in dyok... hahahahahaha

Miss you like Never Before: Now on its 33rd Week!

NAKAKAIYAK!!!

It really breaks my heart to accept that only lucky people will be able to find a job where their heart belongs to... and those who are not included on the lucky list will have no choice but to look for other jobs for the sake of not being bums.

I can't believe that after four years of studying and improving my skills, I am here in front of my computer looking for job openings without joy and excitement now that I'm about to graduate this May 15, 2010. I mean, would you be happy applying for a job related to CUSTOMER SERVICES when in fact you were trained to do programs and solve application bugs? I am not saying being a call center agent sucks; its just that my heart belongs to somewhere else and working for a call center will not make me happy. But the way I see things now, I have no choice but to pick one out of thousands of call center job offers in Jobstreet! And what disgust me more is every time I try to look for something different using the keyword "IT", the search result still directs me to call fucking center shitness jobs!

I want to be RICH but in a job like that, I don't think I would be able to build my own house, buy my own car, buy DSLR Camera, buy Video cam and give my parents a church wedding! I think the only incentive that I'll be getting from my call center fucking salary is a back piece tattoo courtesy of the the greatest tattoo artist in the Philippines; whoever he is!

This now leads me to a dilemma, should I just apply as an instructor and go back to studying MIT or accept my faith as a jinx (as what my good friend Keyti tags me), working in call center industry?!

Well, I won't be complaining if in case I'll be left with no choice but to teach; but to accept calls from stupid Americans, fuck! I don't think I can handle it very well and I don't think I will be happy in a job like that, though I can still handle it...

Advertisement Fail!

AYOKO NA SA KANYA

AYOKO NA RIN SA KANYA

ANG GUSTO KO SYA! :) HiHi

Ulelelelle: that's a V for Vendetta!

Sa mga kalalakihang may syota na may crush sa magandang artista; wag nyong kagalitan ang GF nyo dahil crush lang naman yun at for sure, hindi naman nila gustong mang-ULELELELEL sa crush nila diba?!

Tama ba yun Paul Song?

Because that is a V for Vendetta!

1, 2, 3, 4 Hi 5!

This is super fucking unbelievable. I can't help but to blame myself for the things that came out of proportion. Though I tried my best not to think about it, I can't help but to ask myself why the fuck am I thinking of hurting myself! I'm not suicidal but sometime, I think it would be best if I will just kill me and leave everything behind and let all the motherfucking shit load of problems die with the wind.

There is no easy way in saying goodbye because no watter what you do, nothing will ever change!

Never in my life have I thought to slashing my wrist nor hang myself to death. I may look like the biggest shit made in history of history but still, I know how to feel and how to be emo (fuck, ask google how). Have you ever felt your blood running through your veins up to your head? Or your blood to be as cold as chilled water? Well that was what I felt awhile ago. A lot of things burst out of my head and it felt like hell. It was as if you want to do something but you just can't because nothing was left inside and your hands were trembling very badly?

Good thing I have friends here who never failed to read (listen to) my sentiments. They were able to salvage another soul from descending deep down in hell. But guess what, I deleted my blog and posted my final entry there to say goodbye to my blogger friends (I kept this one on my list by the way). I deleted all my friends in facebook and made myself private in that site so my name will no longer be visible in any search engines.

Don't want to go chipping [from the root word, CHIP(s)] around, I think I'm feeling better now (no, I suddenly realize ending my life would just lead to another mistake - even Papa Jesus will agree on that) and hopefully, i'll get even better as days go by.

Tang ina, so these are all the shits that you have to go through before your birthday?

Puta, I have plenty of things to fix this time plus an application that I have to accomplish before Wednesday to catch up the deadline for submission of graduation application.

Why the fuck do I need to do this?

eLeksyon (A Documentary on May 2010 National Elections)

Self-produced by DIVISOC FEU-East Asia College 

At the film showing (March 20, 2010 @ Rm. A601):

       

A day in the life of a kol sinter agent

Woke up at 10 in the evening, carrying nothing in my head except for the thought of finding an excuse to skip work tonight.....head is aching, morale is low, eyes are weary and body is weak.
From the moment I stepped out of the house. The first thing I usually do is ask myself why the fuck am I still doing this??

On the way to work, It's inevitable to pass by the most popular red light district in the metro which is Monumento. A nirvana for foreigners who are eager to take a glimpse of what a bombarded vagina looks like. As I make my way to the jeepney station going to Pasay. I passed by this circle where you can see some of the ugliest *This is not an insult because it's fucking true* sex workers available on the market. One of them looked like she got fucked straight to her face by a 12 inch Nigerian cock. But one thing that surprises me, the urban legend that "pokpoks" smoke Phillip Morris. I can't fucking believe it! It's fucking true!!! hahaha

While in the jeepney, I saw some people wearing smart casuals with their jackets on their shoulders. I bet we have the same job description.. I can feel it. Do you know why??
Because we have the same I.d. Lace. haha.

First thing to do when arriving at the office. Set up tools, drink coffee and smoke, review last night's stat and performance, get nagged by the supervisor, etc. What a wonderful feeling it is..Of course you would have noticed the sarcasm on that line by now.

During the call, I have talked to some of the dumbest people I never knew existed. Even though you already explained to them in full detail with impeccable clarity. They still won't understand why their fucking bill is so fucking high! and seems to me they only ask why is because they want some credits and adjustments to their bill. So what's an agent like me going to do? Place them on mute. Curse the living soul out of them, take the anger off your system by saying stuff that are not really necessary to be said But still do it because it feels good. hehehe After that, make the adjustments and thank the customer for being a complete ass. "Thank you Mr./Mrs. Customer for the opportunity to assist you with your account today, I hope you have a great day and I would like to remind you that I got your daughter pregnant. Thank you very much for making this call and go fuck yourself"

Around 99.99% of the time, I was only goofing off during the calls. Sometimes, It wouldn't hurt impersonating an Indian agent. It's really fun having an Indian tone to the voice while trying hard to sound American. hehe

Going home is an another hindrance to your tolerance for heat. Imagine wearing smart casuals under the noon time sun. But at least,after working for 9 hours and destroying your body. There's still that little piece of heaven that you'll eventually find. Something to look forward to. Which can make a shitty day end in a good way.

Pinoy Henyo (John Kramer Edition)

"Hello, (name of player). I want to play a game. All your life, you've been doing this and that without even thinking of that and this.

"Ngayon, nakaupo ka sa isang chamber. Ang iyong ulo ay naka-lock sa isang device na mabubuksan lamang kapag nahulaan mo ang word of the day.

"Sa iyong noo ay mayroong cardboard kung saan nakasulat ang word of the day. Nasa harap mo ngayong ang iyong (kaibigan/kaaway/kamag-anak/kakilala) na nakakadena sa isang krus. Siya lamang ang makakatulong sa iyo upang mahulaan ang word of the day, ngunit wala siyang maibibigay na clue. Ang maaari lang niyang sabihin ay 'oo', 'hindi', at 'pwede'.

"Mayro'n kang dalawang minuto upang hulaan ang word of the day. Timer starts as soon as I reveal the word written on the cardboard on your forehead. Habang pumapatak ang oras, unti-unting mapipilipit ang mga kamay at binti ng tao sa harap mo. Kapag naubos ang oras, sasabog ang device sa iyong ulo, at mapipilipit din ang ulo ng iyong kasama.

"Nasa iyong kamay kung maililigtas mo ang iyong sarili at ang tao sa iyong harapan.

"Live or die, (name of player). Make your choice."

** Ang Pinoy Henyo (John Kramer Edition) ay isang proyektong bahagi ng kampanya laban sa Population Explosion sa bansang Pilipinas. Inspired by the "Saw" movie.

Pinoy Big Slaughter House

Mechanics:

1. Mandatory sa lahat ng mga households na may lima o higit pang miyembro ang pagsali sa game show.
2. Lalagyan ng surveillance cameras ang buong bahay ng mga naturang households upang obserbahan ang mga nakatira dito.
3. Bawat taon ay mag-vo-vote out ang mga miyembro ng household ng isa sa kanila; siyempre, kailangan ipaliwanag nila kung bakit nila napiling i-vote out ang sinumang pinili nila.
4. Ang taong ma-vo-vote out mula sa household ay ipapakain sa mga endangered species ng Pilipinas, tulad ng monkey-eating eagle.
5. Magsisimulang muli ang cycle at muling mag-vo-vote out ang household ng isa sa kanila sa susunod na taon, hanggang sa maging lima (5) na lamang ang bilang ng kanilang household.

** Ang Pinoy Big Slaughter House ay isang proyektong bahagi ng kampanya laban sa Population Explosion sa bansang Pilipinas. Ang programang ito ay hindi lamang makatutulong na mabawasan ang lumolobong populasyon ng bansa kundi tumutulong din sa pangangalaga sa mga endangered species. Hitting two birds with one stone, ika nga.

Ang Daan Patungo Sa Population Control

Ito ang aming ultimate plan sa pagsugpo sa tumitinding population explosion dito sa Pilipinas!

1. Ibalik ang death penalty.
2. Ipatupad and two-child policy; ang sinumang lumabag ay hahatulan ng death penalty.
3. Sakupin natin ang USA and/or North Korea. Mga Senior Citizen ang ipapadala natin at calibre 45 ang kanilang gagamiting sandata, at saka pill box.
4. I-legalize ang pagpatay sa loob ng at least six (6) months.
5. Magpalaro ng mga Anti-Population Explosion game shows tulad ng mga sumusunod:
1. "Pinoy Big Slaughter House"
2. "Pinoy Henyo (John Kramer Edition)"

Abangan ang mechanics ng mga game show na 'yan sa susunod na mga kabanata ng Chenelyn Apocalypse!

The Chenelyn Triangle

Kamusta naman ang distansya ng pagkakaibigan diba? Pero there's no mountain high enough, there's no river wide enough can stop us from spreading love, hate, HIV/AIDS and of course, FUN AND HAPINESS!!!!

Ang Alamat ng German Accent

Isang araw, nabalitaan ni Dyiniper na magkakaroon ng isang Kakornihan shower na magaganap sa himpapawid. Sa kanyang pagnanais na masolo ang lahat ng kakornihang babagsak sa kanilang barangay ay nagpamahagi siya ng isang maling balita na bawal lumabas ng bahay sa araw na iyon dahil MALAS ayon daw sa Feng Shui. At dahil utu-uto ang kanyang mga kapitbahay ay sinunod naman siya ng mga ito at humingi pa ng favorness chenes na parang ganito:

"Dyiniper, favor naman oh. Bait yan... Paki-lock naman 'yung bahay namin sa labas para 'di kami makalabas, 'ayt?"

Siyempre, buong puso niyang ginawa ang favorness chenes na gano'n. At! Dumating na nga ang pinaka-aasam na sandali ni Dyiniper: ang pagsabog ng kakornihan mula sa kalangitan. Ganadong ganado si Dyiniper nang ilabas niya ang lahat ng kanyang balde at planggana for more chances of winning -- este CATCHING pala the kakornihan from the skies. At kung sakaling hindi naman masalo ng balde at planggana ang kakornihan, mayroon naman siyang reserbang ropero kasi daw baka mabunot siyang homepartner. Wala nang tao sa kapaligiran, NGUNIT upang makasiguro na siya lang at wala nang iba pang sasalo ng mga bumabagsak na kakornihan, hinawi niya ang paligid at buong tapang na sinabing: "MINE!!!"

Tagumpay si Dyiniper sa kanyang hangarin. At dahil natuwa ang langit sa kanyang pagiging masigasig ay binigyan siya nito ng isang napaka-korning gantimpala: ang bonggang bonggang German Accent.

-The End-

DISCLAIMER:

Ang akdang ito ay pawang kathang isip lamang. Anumang tao, bagay, pook o pangyayari na may pagkakahalintulad sa totoong buhay ay hindi sinasadya nina Kate at McRey at lahat ng ito ay nagkataon lamang. Pramis. Walang nangyaring ganito sa may bandang Morayta.